Who should attend Bellis retreats?
Message from Jenny Eldredge, executive director
Each fall, Bellis hosts a weekend retreat. But who is the retreat for? This is a question I get, often not directly. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ve done a very good job of communicating as the organization has broadened its scope in the last few years.
First, a little history.
In September 2014, the organization hosted its inaugural Stronger Together™ Weekend Retreat for Birth Mothers. Our core values were hospitality and a sense of community so women who didn’t know each other could come together and support each other in a shared experience of having made an adoption plan for their children.
From day one of the first retreat and throughout subsequent retreats, this annual weekend became a living laboratory of what happens when women offer each other full acceptance and empathy. We could see the emotional outcomes around a dinner table, around a campfire, together on kayaks, or on long walks.
It’s always like watching a flower bloom when a woman can speak her heart and mind – and be heard. Her self-worth soars. Big worries become more manageable. It’s transformational.
We have learned each year and made sometimes difficult adjustments when things weren’t quite right. And, every year, feedback shows an overall satisfaction rating of 9+ out of 10. Never perfect, but it’s a successful program.
Now, growth and change.
Witnessing the effectiveness of expert-led, peer-based support, in time, Bellis answered a call from the broader community to expand our model to serve not only women who chose an adoption plan but also women for whom a plan was not their choice.
Some advised us not to mix – their stories were too different. Some wanted us to keep categories of “made a plan” and “had the plan made for them.” Why? Because their lives leading up to “the plan” might differ – some include addiction, incarceration, deep trauma, abuse and other challenging topics that cause discomfort for some and worry of needing to edit some conversations. Conversely, others rejoiced that they could talk more freely about their own challenges, which played big roles in making an adoption plan.
In addition to the retreat, Bellis now offers four weekly grief-support meetings for women who have a court-ordered loss of parental rights – or something similar. The weekly groups serve a growing national network of about 250 women. Their needs are often more urgent and deeper, and deserve more frequent and ongoing care. Bellis and our donors have invested in doing this work right and well. And some of the weekly participants feel ready for the experience of the weekend retreat (which is a lot of time to talk about grief and sometimes too much when unprepared). When they are ready, and we think they are ready, we will say “yes.”
So, back to the original question.
Who is the retreat for? It’s for women who have children who are legally parented by others (some call themselves birth mothers and some do not) and who have grief that needs attending. I can think of hundreds of very different stories that ultimately fit these criteria.
The radical hospitality – home-roasted turkey, fresh-baked bread, warm cookies – that we’ve always provided to retreaters to set a tone of nurturing and love, is a full-sensory expectation of how retreaters should treat each other. And they do.
And, I haven’t said this enough, any woman whose children are parented by others and has grief that needs attending is always welcome to drop in on a weekly meeting. These meetings are spaces for acceptance and healing and hope. And sometimes we all need a refresher. To talk with someone soon, call or text our Stronger Together Support Line™ at 833-4BELLIS (833-423-5547).
If you are a “woman whose children are parented by others and has grief that needs attending,” please consider the retreat program in Minnesota on Sept. 15-17.
It’s good, difficult work that is intended to leave women feeling stronger, supported, and lighter in their journey. In fact, as we celebrate year 10 of the retreat, you can be assured of extra TLC.